Meet the Drunks
The Drunken Cat
Raised in a life of wealth and privilege, summering in Barbados and getting a brand new Lexus every year since his 16th birthday, the Drunken Cat’s neighbor has a pretty good life indeed. The Drunken Cat, however, knows none of these luxuries. He has had to work hard for every drop of bourbon he has consumed. When he is not battling zombie, ninja cyborgs, his frail, shabby frame, disfigured by years hunched over a drawing table, can be found trying to rub the remaining brain cells he hasn’t killed with alcohol together in a vain attempt to come up with something to make you laugh. His uncoordinated hand trying to sketch an image he can barely make out through near blackout level beer blurred vision. The least you could do is buy his stuff.
Legend has it that one dark and stormy night a lone fisherman fought a giant squid in hand-to-hand combat. This deadly battle of wills lasted many hours but, at the first break of dawn the fisherman finally conquered the beast with a mighty hurricane kick. It was this that caused the squid’s belly to rupture, spewing forth a vile, black liquid. It was out of this liquid that Brian Canini was found screaming about squirrels. Some theorists and philosophers, however, feel that the previous legend is hogwash. They believe that Brian Canini is in fact a figment of The Drunken Cat’s imagination, no doubt brought on by severe alcohol poisoning. Crackpots believe Brian is a wizard.
Born on the 25th of August,1530 Derek Baxter was Grand Prince of Moscow from 1533 until his death. His long reign saw the conquest of the Khanates of Kazan, Astrakhan, and Siberia, transforming Russia into a multiethnic and multiconfessional state spanning almost one billion acres. Derek managed countless changes in the progression from a medieval state to an empire and emerging regional power, and became the first ruler to be crowned as Tsar of all Russia. Derek dueled and was defeated by his old master, Obi-Wan Kenobi, on the fiery world of Mustafar. His body was so damaged by lava that Sidious encased him in a dark life-sustaining suit that he would wear for the rest of his life. He lives with his dog in Maine.